


If You Love Something (Let It Go)

by Just_A_Simple_Writer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Remus-centric, Sirius plays guitar, Song Fic (but only sort of), YouTube, there's a dog called Cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2019-10-31 01:51:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_A_Simple_Writer/pseuds/Just_A_Simple_Writer
Summary: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”It sounds good on paper, in Remus' soppy romances that Sirius laughs at him for.In practice? It's not so easy





	1. Misguided Ghosts

Sirius had been gone for four days. That in itself wasn’t unusual; he would often disappear for days at a time. But this was the first time he had gone without telling anyone where he was going.  
Remus wasn’t worrying. At least, that’s what he told James. James was definitely worrying, pacing up and down the small lounge in Remus and Sirius’ shared flat.   
"He can’t just be gone." James said, the worry evident in his voice. "Have you texted him?"  
"Sit down, James." Lily said, for what seemed like the thousandth time. She was sitting opposite Remus on the small sofa, nursing a glass of wine. She claimed to have earned it.  
James ignored her. "He can’t have _gone_." He repeated, more forcefully, as if believing it hard enough would make Sirius reappear in the small room, grinning and smoking one of his damn cigarettes.  
"He isn’t gone." Lily told him, trying to sound reassuring. "He goes on trips all the time."  
"But he doesn’t just leave without telling anyone! What if he gets hurt?"  
Remus really didn’t want to think about that possibly. "He won’t." He said, shortly. He loved James, he really did, but his presence was doing nothing for the worry gnawing at Remus’ stomach.   
James seemed to sense this and sat down beside Lily, only to jump up again less than five minutes later at a noise from the bedroom, knocking over a small table and tipping a small - and thankfully empty - glass onto the floor.  
Cat emerged from where she had been sleeping at the end of the bed and walked over to rest her head in Remus’ lap and look up at him with pleading eyes.   
She was a German Shepard, which Sirius had brought home one evening in the middle of a storm, her fur wet and matted. Remus had made him promise that she would go to a shelter first thing in the morning, and yet somehow, two years later, she was still living with them.  
"You miss him too, huh?" He asked her, scratching behind her ears in the way she liked.  
She wagged her tail weakly, but she was clearly pining. Sirius had always been her favourite.  
James sheepishly returned to his spot on the sofa. Remus couldn’t be angry with him. They were all just worried.  
"We should go to bed." Lily told them firmly. Remus wanted to fight with her, tell her that he was going to stay up until Sirius walked back in the front door, but she was right. They all needed sleep, not to mention a distraction.   
James opened his mouth to argue and then closed it again.   
The three of them quietly pulled out the sofa-bed and said their goodnights. Remus headed back to his room, sending a quick text to Peter to update him on the situation. The fifth member of their little group was off in America, and although he had offered to come back when Remus had texted him to tell him Sirius was gone, between him and James they had assured him that it was fine to stay.  
_kk :(_ Came the reply, quickly followed by:  
_im sure he’ll b fine_  
_make sure u get enough sleep xx_  
Remus smiled briefly and replied with a simple _will do_ , before plugging his phone in and falling on his face.   
The pillow still smelled faintly of Sirius’ hair products.   
Remus felt the bed creak a few minutes later as Cat crawled in. It was quite a small bed for two fully grown men and a large dog, but it still felt huge and empty in Sirius' absence.  
_He’s fine._ Remus told himself. _He’s just gone off on and forgotten to tell us where he is. It doesn’t mean anything._  
It was undoubtedly the most logical explanation, especially since Sirius was scatty at the best of times, but he had never done this before.  
He had left his phone at the apartment, too. That was unlikely to be a mistake. Sirius never forgot his phone.  
Remus drifted off into an uneasy sleep, his dreams filled with all sorts of terrible scenarios.  
When he woke up it was to the loud chime of his phone going off. He had left it off silent on the off chance that Sirius tried to contact him, or if Peter heard anything.   
He picked it up and winced as the bright light filled the room.  
There was one message on the screen, from an unknown number. It seemed to be a link to a YouTube video.

The smart thing to do would be to delete the message and block the number. It was probably a virus, and would do nothing for his phone.

It could be Sirius, though. It was a minute chance, but enough to make Remus pause to plug in his headphones, then hesitantly click on the video.

_Misguided Ghosts [Guitar]_ said the title. Remus watched the loading circle spin around and around, ignoring the tight feeling in his stomach.

_For Remus_ the video read, when it finally loaded. It was Sirius, then.

The feeling in Remus' stomach only tightened.

The video faded to black and the opening chords of the song started, followed by the soft, familiar sound of Sirius' voice singing the first lines of the song.

_I am going away for a while, but I'll be back don't try to follow me._

Remus' eyes started stinging only a few lines in, and by the time the final chords played he was crying hard enough that he could barely see the words that appeared on the screen. He frantically paused the video and wiped his eyes until the words swam into focus.

_I'm really sorry to leave with so little notice._

The words faded out and were replaced.

_I just need some time._

_I love you._

Remus paused the video on the last screen and stared at it until his eyes were swimming with tears again and the words were out of focus.

He must have made some sort of noise, because there was a soft knock on the door and he looked up to see Lily standing in the doorway.

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly, stepping into the room.

Remus beckoned her towards him and offered her a headphone. She sat on the bed, displacing Cat, and put the headphone in.

Remus restarted the video and they watched it together until the end.

There was a silence. Neither of them seemed to be able to think of anything to say.

“What a _dick._ ” Lily said finally.

Remus cracked a tiny smile. Lily was very good at knowing what to say. She'd always been one of his closest friends, even before she started dating James.

“I can't believe he’d just up and leave,” she continued, a furious edge to her voice, “leaving nothing but a _song._ Trust Sirius Black.”

At least someone was angry. Remus couldn't feel anything but numb. He knew that Sirius meant well, that he didn't mean to hurt anyone, but he certainly hadn't thought this through. That was just how Sirius was.


	2. Hey There Delilah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No update schedule we die like men
> 
> Also this is entirely unbetad so feel free to point out any mistakes

The next two weeks passed in a blur. Remus threw himself into his work when he could, and his books when he finally had to go home.

After the first few days he had moved in with Lily and James, unable to bear the empty apartment. It was a little crowded, what with three adults and a large dog in a small, two bedroom apartment, but they managed.

James seemed to feel almost as betrayed as Remus. He had watched the first video four times over on that night, after Lily had woken him up.

He was sitting on the couch now, scrolling listlessly through the same four websites. Remus had his nose in a book, but he'd found himself reading the same page over and over without taking anything in.

“Alright boys,” Lily said, coming in from the kitchen, her hands covered in flour, “you've been moping for two weeks now. I need someone who can actually cook to help me with dinner.”

Remus put his book down, grateful for a distraction.

Lily seemed to have been filled with righteous anger since Sirius left, throwing herself into things such as cooking, which she had never been very good at.

She didn't seem to have been endowed with talent, but if it had been up to James and Remus they would have been eating takeout or nothing, so the three of them had been eating a lot of slightly burnt and interesting tasting foodstuffs.

At least Cat was enjoying it.

Remus helped Lily prepare dinner, thankful for a mindless distraction. Still, it was difficult to stop his mind from wondering where Sirius had gone, what he was doing, if he was okay.

If he was missing Remus.

Lily threw him out of the kitchen again after he almost cut the tips of his fingers off for the second time, and made James help instead.

Remus returned to his chair and had another go at reading. He fought his way to the end of the chapter before giving up and sitting back, staring into space.

His phone went off, and he picked it up, expecting a text from Peter, who had been texting non-stop in all the free time he had.

It wasn't Peter.

There was another text from an unknown number, containing only a link.

Sirius.

Remus grabbed his headphones and plugged them in, his hand shaking slightly.

_Hey There Delilah [Guitar]_

The song started playing, Sirius’ voice flowing through the headphones.

_Hey there my darling, what's it like in New York City?_

_I'm a thousand miles away but boy tonight you look so pretty yes you do._

He sounded happy, a smile on the edge of his voice. Remus could hear him suppress a laugh each time he sung the lyrics he had changed.

Maybe he was better off without Remus.

_A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars_

_I'd walk to you if I had no other way._

It seemed almost insulting that Sirius had chosen this particular song. Like salt in the still-open wound.

Sirius didn't mean it, of course he didn't, but Remus wished he thought things through occasionally.

The song faded away, and Remus looked back at the screen, hoping for some sort of message.

 _I'm in Amsterdam_ it read, when it appeared.

_It's well cool. You'd like it._

_Tell James to stop moping._

_I love you._

The final screen faded out and the song finished. The auto-play timer started counting down and Remus fumbled to stop it before the next video could play.

He stared at the screen for a moment.

Amsterdam.

Something in him wanted to jump up and go straight to the nearest airport, find Sirius, and bring him home.

But Amsterdam was a big city, and the chance of finding Sirius in a huge and unfamiliar city was almost infinitesimally small.

He wasn't Sirius. He couldn't just up and leave at a moment’s notice. It wasn't fair on James and Lily, anyway.

“James?” Remus called out, trying to keep his voice steady around the lump in his throat.

James poked his head out of the kitchen. “Everything alright?”

Remus waved his phone. “Sirius.”

James' head vanished, and Remus heard the tap running. A few seconds later he dragged Lily through, into the lounge, and the two of them squeezed onto the chair either side of Remus.

He pulled out his headphones and played the video. James and Lily were silent for the whole four minutes and eight seconds that the video played.

As soon as it was over James burst out with “I am not moping.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Yes you are.”

Remus stayed silent and listened to them bicker. He forwarded the link to Peter and then switched his phone off.

He felt like crying, but he didn't want to in front of James and Lily.

At least Sirius was making some attempt to contact him. That had to count for something, right?

He extracted himself from between his friends and choked out something about taking Cat for a walk.

Lily looked at him, and he wondered if she would object, but she only nodded and told him to be back in time for dinner.

The air outside was cold, and a steady drizzle was falling, but it was better than sitting at home. The rain disguised the tears that were slipping down Remus' cheeks as he walked.

Cat walked alongside him, stopping occasionally to sniff at a tree or interesting lamppost. She was still down, not nearly as full as life and energy as she usually was. Remus supposed that she would probably cheer up if he did, but he couldn't find it in him to be cheerful with Sirius gone. Not even for Cat's sake.

 _He isn't dead._ He told himself. _He'll be back. He's just on holiday, that's all._

It didn't feel that way. It felt permanent, as if Sirius was never coming back.

Remus stopped at a small corner store before he headed back, leaving Cat tied to the bike rail outside.

The man behind the counter greeted him, and Remus nodded back, ducking into the sweets isle.

He bought two bars of his favourite chocolate. Lily wouldn't approve, but he didn't really care. Chocolate was cathartic.

Cat was still waiting outside when he emerged. She wagged her tail slowly when she saw him, and licked his hands when he untied her.

“Come on.” He told her. “Time for dinner.”

She barked loudly at that, bounding forward and almost pulling Remus’ arms out of their sockets.

At least Sirius' absence hadn't ruined _her_ appetite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr!


	3. Gunslinger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've cut this one short because it got no attention whatsoever and also I sort of lost interest in it, but I didn't want to leave it unfinished forever so I just wrote the final chapter and wrapped it up there.  
> I might come back to it eventually? but probably not

It had been eight months since Sirius left, and life had almost gone back to normal. Lily had given up on cooking, much to Remus’ relief. James had taken over again, and the food he churned out was, at the very least, edible.

Remus had moved in with Peter as soon as he had arrived home, leaving James and Lily alone. Peter’s roommate was not overly fond of Remus, or of Cat, but he was civil to them, and there was more room in Peter’s apartment anyway.

Sirius still sent videos, every one or two weeks. Remus had tried to ignore them, but he never made it more than a few hours, or at most a day, before curiosity overtook him and he had to watch the newest song Sirius had sung for him.

They were all addressed to him, but the videos had seemed to have amassed a small following. Remus never bothered with the comments, just watching it and then forwarding it to the group chat that Lily had created for that exact reason, but the other three read them occasionally. According to Lily, the majority of them were encouraging Sirius to come home.

Remus had stopped expecting him by now. Sirius was gone, that was just a fact of life.

He still went home occasionally, switched the lights on in the cold apartment and looking around as if Sirius would be standing there in the kitchen.

Cat looked for him all over the place too, but she seemed to have recovered and was back to her old bouncy self.

It had been three weeks since Remus had last heard from Sirius, and he was trying not to worry. The last he had heard, Sirius was heading towards Alaska.

OF course, Alaska wasn’t dangerous, and Sirius probably just couldn’t find Wi-Fi to upload the video. Or maybe he’d just found someone better, and forgotten Remus completely.

Remus was walking home from work, fairly late. He had been working a little overtime, since one of the people on his team was ill, and it wasn’t like Remus had anything better to do.

It was almost dark, and Remus almost wished he had Cat with him. She would like the walk.

His phone went off, and he almost ignored it, expecting it to be Peter asking him about dinner, or Lily complaining about something James had done, but the part of him that was still hopelessly in love with Sirius begged him to pick it up, just in case.

An unknown number and a YouTube link.

_<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ> _

Remus stared at it for a moment and then found a bench, sitting down and clicking on the link.

_Gunslinger [Guitar]_

The screen went black for a moment, and then the ever-familiar _For Remus_ appeared on the screen.

_I’m sorry it’s been so long_.

The music started, and then Remus heard Sirius’ voice.

_Yeah, you’ve been alone._

_I’ve been gone for far too long._

_But with all that we’ve been through, after all this time I’m coming home to you._

Remus froze, not hearing the next line.

He started the video again, trying to confirm the lyrics.

_After all this time I’m coming home to you._

He skipped the rest of the music, not caring about the lyrics, or about Sirius’ voice, just wanting to see what Sirius was going to say at the end.

The final chords of the song died out and then the first title card appeared on the screen, not at all what Remus had been expecting.

_Thanks to LaraCarbonara for making me pull my sorry ass together. (Link in description.)_

Remus frowned, watching as the words hung on the screen for a moment, and then watching as they faded to black.

_Remus,_ the next one read.

_I’m sorry._

The words faded in and out through a blur of tears. Remus blinked furiously, not wanting to miss anything.

_I can’t explain what I did, but I didn’t mean to hurt you._

_Or James._

_Or Pete or Lily._

_Or anyone._

Remus had to pause the video for a moment, rubbing his eyes and looking up to the sky. He couldn’t cry until the video was done.

_I’d much rather apologise in person._

_I’ve promised myself I’m not uploading this or sending it to you until I’m home._

_I hope to see you there._

_Love you always._

Remus stared at the last screen for a moment, pausing the video to make it last longer.

_Love you always_.

And then it hit. If Sirius had sent him the video, that meant he was home. Really home.

Remus wanted to do a lot of things, all at once, so he forced himself to stop for a moment.

He cried for a good thirty seconds and then breathed, closing his eyes to stop the tears.

Usually he would send the video to the chat before doing anything else, but – selfishly – he wanted to be the first. If Sirius was really back then he didn’t want James or Lily or anyone seeing him before Remus did.

He had the key to his old apartment. It lived on his keyring because he just couldn’t bear to take it off. That would mean giving up, saying that Sirius was really gone and that he was never going back there.

He was relieved for that, now.

He forced himself to walk there, keeping himself under control, as much as he wanted to sprint the whole way.

It was agonisingly slow walk, but eventually he was standing outside of their apartment, the key in his hand.

He tried not to get his hopes up. _I’m home_ could mean a lot of things. It could mean the apartment, it could mean the airport, or Sirius could have sent it and then chickened out.

He pushed the key into the lock and twisted, then pushed the door open.

Light spilled out into the street from the half-open kitchen door.

Remus took the key out the door, closed it behind him, and toed off his shoes, padding in the direction of the kitchen in his bare feet.

He knew what he would find even before he pushed the kitchen door the rest of the way. The light was on, and he could smell the faint, clinging smell of cigarette smoke.

The door swung open and there was Sirius, a cup in his hands.

He smiled at Remus, hair falling out of the messy bun that he had put it in. It was longer than it had been when he left, and Remus wanted to touch it, run his fingers through it and tug a little, see if Sirius would still make the same noises.

He didn’t do that. He stood in the doorway and murmured, “hi.”

“Hi.” Sirius murmured back, putting the cup down on the counter.

Remus wasn’t sure what happened next. He had had a vague plan to text the chat, and then wait until their friends got back, and they could all make Sirius sit down, explain where he went and why, and get a decent apology out of him.

The plan flew out of his mind, and he found himself in Sirius’ arms, breathing in the familiar smell of smoke, products and the somehow ever-present smell of wet dog. It was so uniquely Sirius.

Sirius’ head was in Remus’ neck, and Remus had a hand in his hair, and then Remus tugged Sirius’ head back, Sirius gasped, and then they were _kissing_ , and then-

And then Remus stepped back, pushing Sirius a reasonable distance away.

He was going to say something sensible, something like _no, you can’t just waltz back into my life after eight months and pretend that nothing’s changed_ , but then Sirius was smiling at him, that crooked, beautiful smile that Remus had fallen in love with so many years ago, and what actually came out was: “I love you.”

Sirius’s smile brightened a thousand times and he pulled Remus into his arms again. “I love you too.”

Remus buried his nose in Sirius’ messy hair and took a deep breath.

There were still a hundred things he needed to say, and he needed to text the chat, explain what had happened. They all needed to talk, to find new boundaries and to catch up, but that was for later.

Now, Remus decided, all that mattered was that Sirius was here, and he was alive. He loved Remus, and Remus loved him. That was all. That was enough.

 


End file.
